Rough Day

It is crazy to be writing this blog post almost exactly one year later. Part of me hasn't wanted to share this. I try so hard to portray this perfect, happy life and admitting that I struggled a lot this past year is difficult. The other part of me feels like a burden will be lifted for sharing my story, especially now that I am no longer in the thick of it. 

It was January 9th, 2015 and it was one of my hardest days as a mom. It seemed almost inevitable that this moment was coming. I am a control freak and perfectionist and having two young kids, especially one who doesn't seem to be sleeping, is a recipe for disaster. The biggest problem was that instead of being honest and reaching out for help, I was trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I was fine. As evidenced by my post about my sister's birthday celebration, I was going to great lengths to make it seem like I had this motherhood thing totally under control. I was back at work, not sleeping, navigating my new diet again and still managed to clean the whole house Monday, make a pot roast dinner, and desserts (all that followed my new diet) while watching both kids that day. When Sabrina and Nic got to the house it was spotless, dinner was ready and I had birthday presents and dessert displayed on the table. We played wii games with the kids, then Sabrina and I stayed up watching the Bachelor premiere and drinking champagne. How could you not think I had it all together?! lol. From any outsider it would seem that I was doing an amazing job, but inside I was majorly struggling and could barely keep up. By Friday, I was exhausted and had a long day of just me and the kids and I fell apart. Luc wouldn't nap, Hudson wanted all my attention and I was at my breaking point. I remember that I didn't answer any phone calls that day because I just couldn't emotionally deal with pretending everything was great. By 1pm, Luc had slept a total of 20 minutes the entire day so I plopped him in the stroller and we walked to the park. Hud was able to play and I was really hopeful that Luc would fall asleep, but he just kept fighting it. It looked as though toothpicks were holding his eyes open-he was so tired, but refused to give in. 

Numerous times that afternoon, I collapsed in a ball on the ground and cried in front of the kids. I texted Nic begging him to come home ASAP because I just couldn't keep it together. I was in total survival mode and all I could think to do was throw Luc in the stroller and get the kids and myself some fresh air. Going for a walk definitely helped (I hoped it would because the park walk, although unsuccesful in the sleep department, had been helpful), but as soon as I got back in the house I was an emotional wreck again. I was just so teary and couldn't seem to control the overwhelming sadness. 

By the time Nic got home, I had done some research on my phone and was pretty sure I had post partum depression. Nic of course felt horrible when he got home and I broke down and told him. I was so scared to say it out loud to him, but knew I needed to make some changes because I didn't want to have a repeat of that day. It was awful for me (I had some scary thoughts that I didn't ever want to have again) and I didn't want the kids to see me as such an emotional wreck again. Nic felt so bad that he didn't leave work when I asked him to. He thought I was just being dramatic and from what he had seen I always had everything together so he didn't realize how badly I was struggling. He also felt bad that he hadn't noticed as we had talked about me being at risk for PPD while I was pregnant. I told him not to feel bad and instead lets work on coming up with a plan moving forward to tackle this. Opening up to him was one of the hardest things I've done, but Nic was very supportive and a weight was immediately lifted.