Struggles with Breastfeeding

Throughout my pregnancy, when people asked me if I was going to breastfeed I never answered with a yes. Instead I would say I am planning to or I hope I'm able to. I know how challenging breastfeeding can be for people and I didn't want to get my heart set on it and set myself up for failure and disappointment. I kind of had the attitude of I will try my best and if I can't, I can't. 

When we went to Hudson's first doctor appointment and found out how much weight he had lost and how bad his jaundice had gotten as a result of not eating enough, I felt like a huge failure. I thought I had been breastfeeding well, but obviously things weren't going the way they should have been. During our first session with the lactation consultant (LC) she struggled for a good hour to get Hudson to latch on to the right side correctly. She told me how stubborn he was to which I had to smile because he obviously gets it from his parents. Luckily, we are stubborn too and there was no way we were giving up that easy. We went home more determined than ever to succeed at breastfeeding. It definitely took a lot of dedication from both Nic and I. 

It was a two steps forward, one step back sort of process. Hudson would have a really great feed, followed by a handful of horrible feeds. Sometimes during the bad feeds I would just sit and cry the entire feed. I kept thinking that I wasn't going to get to breastfeed him and it shattered me. The entire pregnancy I was so non-chalant about breastfeeding, but during that first week, it became clear that my heart was set on it. 

After our second session, Hudson seemed to be doing much better on the right and ok on the left with a nipple shield (They had encouraged me to use it in the hospital). Even though he was doing ok with breastfeeding, because of the jaundice and dramatic weight drop, we had to supplement with bottles. That was really difficult for me. It was really hard to watch Nic give Hudson bottles. Although, I must admit that one exhausting night during a particularly difficult feed, I asked Nic to give Hudson a bottle and actually felt relieved, which only fueled major guilt! Breastfeeding was painful, frustrating and exhausting and yet it was somehow wonderful and special at the same time. 

By that first weekend, we noticed the better Hudson got at taking the bottle, the worse he seemed to be getting at breastfeeding. I was really in a panic and felt as though my breastfeeding dreams were slipping away. We had the LC come to our house on Sunday for another session. During that session she got Hudson to eat 2 ounces from each breast (the left side without a shield!). She said that she considered that as Hudson graduating from needing her help. She told us we no longer needed the nipple shield, the bottles or the pump and we could finally follow Hudson's cues for feedings. It was such a great moment! We obviously didn't have perfect feeds from then on, but it was definitely the turning point for us. I really felt like our hard work had paid off and I was officially a breastfeeding momma.

Thank goodness for our LC who not only helped us tremendously, but she also offered so much encouragement during a difficult time. I'm pretty sure without her, Hudson would have ended up in the hospital after that first doctor visit with formula shoved down his throat and I most likely would have failed at breastfeeding. It was definitely a huge challenge, but I am so glad that Nic and I are stubborn, determined and dedicated parents who refused to throw in the towel because breastfeeding Hudson has been a very rewarding experience.