Our Little Jaundice Baby

The next 48 hours were a bit of a blur. Nic and I are pretty determined people and our goal was to get food into our little guy so that we could get his bilirubin levels down and weight up as quickly as possible. As it was explained to us~the best way to get the jaundice out is pooping it out. In order to do that baby has to eat. The problem is that the worse the jaundice gets, the more tired baby gets and the harder it is to get baby to eat. So every feed took over an hour because we had to constantly do things to keep Hudson awake. Once the feeding was over I had to pump, then Nic had to try and give Hudson a bottle. Then we had to change his diaper and get him in the blanket. Once two hours passed from the start of the last feeding, we started the process over again. As you can imagine there wasn't much time for any downtime, let alone sleep. Plus Nic was squeezing in the cleaning of pump parts and bottles in between feedings as well. It was intense, but we knew the alternative was hospitalization. Plus, at least for me, my guilt really fueled me to get Hudson better. I felt as if it was my test to prove that I actually could be a good mother. 

At Tuesday's appointment we had a different doctor. They took Hudson's bilirubin levels again (this time on his forehead because apparently the belly reading wouldn't be as accurate now that he was in the blanket) and we were told they had gone up. We could here the doctors arguing in the hall about whether or not Hudson should be admitted to the hospital. (Apparently the lactation consultant didn't think it was necessary since she was having a session with us that day and she was confident she would be able to help tremendously and the other doctor did want him to go to be safe. We were impressed that both doctors cared enough and felt strongly enough to get in an argument about our little guy). They did another blood test to confirm the results before making a decision. 

Hudson's weight had gone up an entire ounce, which I was pretty happy with, but I was crushed by the bilirubin result. I was fighting back tears again as the doctor tried to make us feel better by explaining that it really was what he called "a perfect storm" that got us in this position. He said had we been released any day but Friday we would have been seen a day sooner and he wouldn't have gotten as bad. Plus my milk hadn't come in until Sunday which definitely didn't help matters. He (along with the Dr. from Monday) was a bit disappointed with some of the information we had been given at the hospital and felt that that combined with the circumcision didn't help matters either. Also, he said it was common for first time parents to think they were lucky with a really good baby when in reality the baby is sleepy from the jaundice. This last one just made me feel worse because I had told numerous visitors over the weekend how lucky we were because Hudson was so good not knowing that he slept well because he was sick. :(

After the appointment, the Dr. from Monday came in for a lactation consultation. She worked with us for quite a long time (apparently Hudson is very stubborn~I have no idea where he gets that from!) and we had made a lot of progress by the time we were done. As we were leaving we got the blood test results back (17) and Hudson's levels had dropped so we didn't have to go to the hospital! That was such a relief. We could here all the doctors cheering and clapping over the results as we were leaving. It was a relief to feel like we were in good hands at an office were the doctors all really cared.

As soon as I got to the car, I again started crying. Not sleeping, my out of whack hormones and the stressful situation were a bad combination! I still felt horrible and kept dwelling on the past. All the little things that added up to get us in this mess. Nic had to give me a pep talk. He told me to stop analyzing what had happened because we couldn't change the past. We just needed to focus on the present and put all our effort into getting Hudson better. 

At Wednesday's appointment Hudson had gone up two more ounces and now weighed 7 pounds 13 ounces. The lactation consultant had really helped. We could see Hudson transferring milk and knew he was finally getting a decent amount of food. He was doing great on the right side, but was still having a lot of trouble on the left side. His bilirubin levels were also down to a 13. Since he had made progress, they said we could eliminate the blanket overnight and come back in Thursday to make sure he was still doing well without it. I was really nervous to eliminate the blanket because I knew he was still pretty jaundice, but as he was becoming more alert it was also harder to have him in the blanket. The first few days he was so sleepy that he didn't even notice he was in the blanket, but now he would cry and we couldn't hold and comfort him. It broke my heart. 

This photo was taken right before Hudson peed all over the wall.

I was too nervous to stop the blanket overnight especially since we were paying for it, but we did stop it at 6am. As soon as we were done using it, I cuddled with my little man and made sure he got some time in the sunlight. 

On the way to Thursday's appointment I was really nervous. I wasn't as confident with how much Hudson had eaten. When Hudson still weighed 7 pounds 13 ounces I was bummed, but not surprised. I knew we were still having problems with him feeding on the left side. The doctor seemed happy that his bilirubin levels had only gone up slightly considering he was off the blanket and recommended that we bring him back once more on Saturday for another check. They said to keep going with the feeding/pumping/bottle feeding in the meantime. Since he still spent a good amount of time in the blanket, didn't gain weight and his bilirubin level actually went up slightly, we insisted that we come back Friday instead. 

We went into Friday's appointment very confident. We knew Hudson had not only breastfed better, but he also had taken quite a bit from the bottle. When the nurse weighed Hudson and the scale read 7 pounds 13 ounces again I was so frustrated and angry. It just wasn't possible!! I had watched so much food go into him and couldn't believe his weight hadn't changed at all. Nic thought something funny happened with the scale and asked the nurse to do it again, but she seemed confident with the result and I figured maybe it was just us wishing for a better result. The lactation consultant couldn't believe the results either. She came in and watched another feeding. She was impressed with how well we both did and decided to weigh him herself. She also couldn't believe that he hadn't gained any weight. She said he was much more alert, was way less jaundice and he looked bigger. She was gone for a quite a while (we figured maybe he had peed all over their sign and wall again). When she came back she said he had weighed 8 pounds (she checked him 5 times to make sure) and there was no way he ate that much during the feeding, so the nurse had weighed him wrong! The nurse got a lecture and we had a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. She said at that point we didn't need to worry about the jaundice anymore, which was such a huge relief!!! 

I must admit that our first week home was quite emotional and somewhat difficult to deal with as first time parents. One thing that kept things in perspective though was to think about Cole and Stockton. My friend Jackie sadly lost her precious little boy Cole at 20 weeks due to cysts in his kidneys. When I would get sad about Hudson having jaundice and being in his blanket, I would tell myself how lucky I am to have a baby even a temporarily sick one. I knew this was only temporary (and in the grand scheme of things only a slight bump in the road) and I would remind myself how fortunate I was to have the opportunity to take care of, hold and feed my precious little boy. When things felt difficult or I was exhausted, I thought of my friend Brittany whose little boy Stockton who was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome. I know her first week was a million times more challenging and made my first week home look like a walk in the park. Both of these women and their beautiful baby boys helped me and continue to help me remember to not take a single moment for granted. At night when I am exhausted I think how blessed I am to have a little baby to take care of. During the challenges with weight and jaundice I thanked God that the issues we were having were so minimal and that overall we have a healthy baby. I also think back to my struggles to get pregnant and feel so fortunate to be Hudson's mom. I am really trying to enjoy every second I have with my miracle baby. 

I also want to take a moment to thank Nic's parents for all their help that week. As soon as I found out Hudson was struggling Monday, I went into overprotective mother mode who no longer wanted to share my little man with anyone. Nic's parents were very understanding and helped out in any way they could. Susan took over washing the bottles and pump parts, the laundry and the dishes. Rob and Susan went grocery shopping daily and Rob made dinner every night. I felt really guilty for not wanting to share my little guy and tried to let them spend as much time as possible with Hudson.